Stirring the waters Part 3

Stirring the Waters—Part III
Little changes happened here and there. I was on a roller coaster between hope and hopelessness, but God was always in the background working things for the good on my behalf. And then He shared His heart with me in the form of a dream that felt more like a nightmare.
In the last few hours of my sleep, I awoke from the most horrifying nightmare ever. It was about 3:30 in the morning, and I could hear myself calling out for my husband, but I couldn't wake up. I felt something moving me, but I didn't know I was dreaming or that my husband was trying to wake me. In the dream, my 23-year-old son was holding me in his arms while I cried out for his father. He told me his dad was dead. I screamed, “No!” while sobbing uncontrollably. That's when I began calling out my husband’s name.
At that moment in the dream, I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone. I felt I had been abandoned by everyone, including God himself. Mind you, I know what loneliness and fear is, but this…. words cannot describe how utterly horrible this was. I have never to my recollection, in my 50 years of life, felt so completely abandoned and alone. I felt like I had been to the utter depths of hell.
When I woke, I was crying. I continued to sob great tears, and no amount of comfort from my husband would take away the pain. I begged him to please make his life right with God. I told him to not ever let a day go by without praying. I scooted back to my side of the bed and shook uncontrollably as I prayed silently until, at some point, I felt a peace and drifted off into a quiet and undisturbed sleep.
I'm not sure how long I slept, but I remember seeing 4:00 on the bedroom clock. And then I believe the clock said 4:30 the next time I looked. During the awake times, I told God I was going to be his Jacob from the story about Jacob wrestling with an angel, and I told Him I would not let go until He blessed me. Then, I must have drifted off for a longer sleep after that because the clock read 6:14 when I saw it again.
Now, I have made up my mind that, no matter what I must go through, I will not quit living for God. The waters have been stirred, and I am no longer stagnate. I think it will be a long time--if ever--before I forget that night and the struggle that came with it. If my calling is to fight for souls in my dreams, I will be obedient even if it causes me pain.
I still don't know where God is taking me or my marriage, and I am okay if I am never known to man or for any calling humans consider special. I am known to God, and that's who matters. Don't worry though; I'm not going to abandon my passions. Instead, I'm going to embrace them wherever they lead me. I'm going to be content to be part of the body that may never be in the spotlight, and that's okay as long as God keeps stirring the waters of His Holy Spirit within me. And, maybe someday soon, I'll have a post to share about my marriage restoration and my husband having a deeper walk with God. In the meantime, I encourage all who have read these posts to keep on seeking until you get an answer, and always be willing to let God move in you—even if you have to go to sleep to get quiet enough to hear His voice.